Coercive Control
Coercive control is a framework of abuse that erodes your autonomy. It's a way for your partner to micromanage your daily life through all or some of the ways described below. It can be defined by patterns of controlling behaviour that are unique to the relationship. It's ongoing, repetitive, and cumulative.
What it feels like
A combination of all of the below: constant, ongoing hopelessness and no way to get out of it. You can't do anything right; you're always making them angry. They're constantly monitoring and criticising you, and you may feel trapped, like no one else could or would understand. When you describe the abuse to other people, it might not sound that harmful. This makes it even harder to be sure that it's happening to you, harder to get help, and harder to leave.
Harm it causes
Many people who are victims of coercive control have never been victims of physical violence. If any of this sounds familiar, or you're not sure, seek advice and help as soon as you safely can.
Social Isolation
Your partner insists on as much one-on-one time as possible, to the total exclusion of other social networks and relationships. They might refuse to interact with your friends or family or try to turn you against them. A classic one is to say 'those people don't like me and they're trying to break us up'. They make you feel guilty for spending time with other people, complaining that you feel more for these others than you do for them, and telling you they're the only one who really understands and loves you.
What it feels like
At first, it feels like you're the most important person in their world, like your connection is so strong that you can't spend time apart. But it feels more and more like you should feel guilty for wanting to spend time with other people, like you're letting your partner down, having to take sides. Eventually, it becomes easiest just to spend time with your partner rather than feeling guilty or upsetting them by saying you want to see your friends or family.
Harm it causes
Isolation is used to make you easier to control. It means relationship abuse can continue because no one sees it to call it out. It damages your other connections, so you have nowhere else to turn, making it harder and harder to leave. It erodes self-confidence and damages your sense of self and identity, making it hard to ask for help.
Threats of Self-harm
Implying or threatening self-harm or suicide as a way to control your behaviour. It might happen when you don't respond or give them the attention they are seeking, or if they think you might end the relationship.
What it feels like
In the beginning, it can feel like you're the most important person in the world, that they love you so much they couldn't live without you.
But soon, all the responsibility for their happiness and well-being is on your shoulders. You feel scared they might harm themselves or take their life if you don't do what they want, and that you'll be responsible for the grief of their family and friends.
Harm it causes
It erodes your sense of agency and makes you feel trapped. It can mean you stay in a relationship that isn't healthy.
Love Bombing
An attempt to influence a person with over-the-top demonstrations of attention and affection. It can be experienced at any stage of a relationship, but most often at the beginning. It's an emotional manipulation technique, often disguised as excessive flattery, gift-giving, and declarations of undying love and commitment, sometimes publicly.
What it feels like
At first, it might feel like being swept off your feet — romantic and fun. Then it becomes a burden, like you're expected to reciprocate, commit, or behave a certain way in response. It might feel like you can't bring up things you're unhappy about because you 'should' be happy.
Harm it causes
At the start of a relationship, it's done to create a bond. It lulls you into a false sense of security — making you feel like they must really love you, so when more manipulative and controlling behaviours creep in, you, and anyone you tell, dismiss them.
Guilt Tripping
A form of emotional blackmail that leverages your emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility. Some people do this out of poor communication skills, but it becomes relationship control if it's done repeatedly and with the intention of controlling or isolating you. They might point out their own efforts and hard work to make you feel as if you've fallen short, ignore efforts to talk about problems, or give you the silent treatment. They might say 'I'm fine', though their actions tell you otherwise.
What it feels like
It feels like you can't do anything right, that you're not good enough. You feel guilty for doing things you want to do, and responsible for someone else's happiness.
Harm it causes
It can be used to justify or enable other types of relationship control, and results in the same kind of harm. It can leave you feeling depressed and anxious, with low self-esteem. It can make you feel unworthy of taking care of your own needs or living your own life.
Financial Control
Controlling your access to money, pay, or employment. You might be given an allowance and told what you're allowed to spend it on, be told you can't (or have to) go to work, or be told where, how, and when you work. They might take money you've earned and control how it's spent, or ask for access to your bank account. You might be expected to pay for things or buy gifts in a way you think is unreasonable, or they might take out debt in your name. Your financial decisions are constantly criticised and used as an excuse to take control.
What it feels like
You question your financial ability and spending decisions, or your judgement in managing your own work and career. It feels like what they earn is theirs, and what you earn is theirs too. You might feel exploited or ashamed that you're in this situation, wanting to hide the reality from people who care about you.
Harm it causes
It might end up feeling like you're trapped, with no money or too much debt to leave, making you more and more dependent on them. Long term, it can affect your credit rating, your career, and your self-esteem.
Belittling
Using language or behaviour to make someone feel small, unimportant, inferior, or minimised. They might give constant criticisms designed to create self-doubt, using put-downs or making comments designed to elicit guilt or shame, sometimes in front of other people. They might trivialise and invalidate your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, and downplay your accomplishments.
What it feels like
It feels like you can't do anything right, that you're not good enough. You feel ashamed, inferior, or worthless, and you second-guess your abilities. If you're a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, or already self-critical, belittling can feel even worse.
Harm it causes
It is easy to dismiss each comment individually as a joke or constructive criticism, so it's hard to call it out. But added together, the comments wear you down and erode your self-esteem, making you feel like you're lucky to have the person who's treating you badly, and making you easier to control.
Surveillance
Constant monitoring of where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. This can be done in real life, where they insist on accompanying you or secretly follow you, or they turn up outside your work or in places you like to go, without your consent. It can also be done using tech, with tracking apps, having their thumbprint or face ID on your phone, or going through your messages and social media.
It can happen while you're in the relationship, or it might start or get more intense when you break up. They might even want you to know you're being watched or overheard.
What it feels like
At first, it can feel nice and safe, like they are watching out for your best interests. But it becomes more ominous and overbearing and you feel like you can't do anything without them knowing. You can't ask them to stop in case they get suspicious of what you're doing. You're left with a loss of autonomy and a feeling of dread, not knowing when or where they might turn up, what exactly they're watching, or what they might do.
Harm it causes
It can be written off as jealousy, but it's designed to deprive you of your sense of privacy, autonomy, and safety, and can result in anxiety, depression, and isolation. It's important to understand that it isn't normal or acceptable, and there are strong links between this kind of stalking and physical harm.
Sexual Coercion & Reproduction
Any unwanted sexual activity that happens when you're pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a non-physical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex, a type of sex, or a sexual act to someone. They might use threats of going elsewhere, guilt-tripping, or making you feel like you're being unreasonable. They might withhold affection to get you to drop a boundary, move too fast for you, push alcohol or drugs before sex, take pictures or recordings without consent, or threaten to share private photos or information if you don't do what they want.
What it feels like
You might feel like you're not normal or desirable for not wanting what they want, feel guilty or inadequate. You start to dread sex in case you're asked to do something you're not comfortable with.
Harm it causes
It can seriously damage your sexual self-esteem and sexual agency and lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD, and self-harm.
Gaslighting
A form of psychological abuse designed to make you feel like you're going crazy. They might deny things they've said or done, question your memory, or pretend they haven't heard or don't understand what you're saying. They want you to doubt yourself and your own reality.
What it feels like
You start to question your own judgement or sanity, like you may be imagining things. You question yourself rather than them because they say they love you.
Harm it causes
Gaslighting causes self-doubt, making it easier for them to control or manipulate you, and makes you second-guess getting help or sharing what's happening with anyone else.
Volatility
Exploding unpredictably, making rules that change constantly or that only one of you has to follow. Being told you're to blame for the way they act. It might be a cycle of violence, where things build up until they explode, then the perpetrator is overcome with remorse and goes back to love bombing. You never know when the explosion is coming.
What it feels like
It feels like you're always walking on eggshells, like you're not good enough, and you're causing this. You might even encourage them to get angry because you can't live with the terror of not knowing when it's coming. You're expected to give them sympathy because you 'made them' act in a way they didn't want to.
Harm it causes
Calling it a tiff, a tempestuous or passionate relationship are ways of excusing behaviour that isn't normal. It can leave you second-guessing yourself and the decisions you make, leave you anxious and frightened, and make you shrink yourself.
Excessive Jealousy or Suspicion
There's a difference between feeling jealous and showing unhealthy jealous behaviour. It might start small, hunting for evidence of cheating, then escalate into constant surveillance, showing up uninvited, and expecting immediate responses. They dominate your time, insist on being very public with your relationship, and even make you dress down or be less friendly so you don't attract other people. They might accuse you of unfaithfulness, monitor your communications, question you about conversations, delete contacts, or ask you to end friendships they don't approve of.
What it feels like
At first, it might feel like they're really passionate about their love for you. It becomes overbearing when you constantly need to be 'on call' to their demands and follow their rules to avoid a fight. You have to justify other friendships and feel like everything you do needs to be approved by someone else. No matter how much you reassure them of your faithfulness, they won't believe you. It's exhausting.
Harm it causes
Eventually, everyone becomes off-limits until you're isolated to only your partner. This can lead to depression and social isolation, where you're not allowed to live your own life, don't feel safe, and question your own decision-making. If your partner constantly feels untrusting of you, they might move on to other types of emotional and physical abuse to exert their 'ownership' of you.
Judging Appearance
Controlling or excessively commenting on your physical appearance, including your choice of outfit, your physical fitness, weight, or the things you eat. There's often forceful encouragement to look or dress a certain way. They might compare you to others or call out perceived physical flaws that are beyond your control, like hair and complexion.
What it feels like
It can feel like, however you look and dress, it's never right. Others are so much better or hotter than you. You're constantly second-guessing what you look like, your outfits, or even what you eat.
Harm it causes
Judging appearance damages your self-esteem, social confidence, and sense of self. It can lead to serious body image issues, depression, eating disorders, over-exercising, and isolation.